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call... me ....Ineffable

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this is the end.... [Jul. 2nd, 2007|02:06 am]
call... me ....Ineffable

we called it quits... it over... we talked and we're friends... I think I'm fine... I miss him already... but the pain will slowly fade... and after all we'll both be okay... he's not the one... the one is a myth... you make love it breaks you... and the cycle repeats... in the words of shakira "siempre volvemos amar".... and perhaps in the next life time we'll learn to love eachother... and perhaps God will give us another chance to make it right... but as for this life... we're over... and we're friends.... but I miss him... I miss him dearly... hopefully tomorrow I don't crack... I don't know where to go from here... I don't know whats next... so today daniel had called me so I called him back and he asked me why I had never given him a chance... why I chose gene over him... and I told him because he never asked... and I told him that I always cared for him but its not use worrying about that... cause everything is said and done... he's with joanne... wow... I feel relieved... but stuck... this is odd.. I'm tired but I don't think i can sleep... It all feels so sureal... I waiting for this odd dream to end... fuck... I'm feeling odd.... I can't describe it... I love him... but its over... and I can't tell if I'm okay yet... I'll let you know when I wake up.... so where do I go from here???
<3
ruby

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if you wanted me to bleed you could have just sliced my throat you didn't have to pull my heart out [Jun. 30th, 2007|04:23 pm]
call... me ....Ineffable
[Current Music |TBS- Cute without the E]

I fuckin done... he's not the one... theres no such thing.... he's shit to me... I'm shit to him... I'm fucking  done... he's hurt me enough.... so you may ask what did he do this time??? well it wasn't just this time...this time is simply jenga! he pulled too many pieces out from under me and I came crashing down.... I know he never loved me... I know he never reallly wanted me... so I suppose I'm partly to blame for not ending it myself....  so two days ago gene asked me to move in with him and his dad.... okay... but we're not together so I told him no... if we're not together we're not living together... fine.... so then yesterday I get the shop and its friday and I normally go out on fridays... so I asked him if he would watch malakai... and he said I didn't know I was supposed to... I'm doing something tonight... I asked what... and he avoided the question... he proceeds to be an asshole and start talking shit about how I've been at the shop 10 minuts and I haven't payed any attention to malakai... fine so before I leave I tell him to call me when he's done tattooing... I go home then go drop malakai off at my moms and I called him when I was getting ready cause I noticed he had called while I was gone.... so he like you getting ready? and I was like yeah... I asked where he was going and he said no where... whatever.. I go out... I feel like shit!!!  so then chris gets there and he's like you know that guy geno.... and I was like my son's father? and he was like yeah... and he tells me how his friend carmen was talking to him trying to come to the bar and how he ddin't come cause I did.... well carmen.... she's the girl that supposedly fucked gene up more than any other girl... she didnt' even break up with him she was just at some bar with some guy right in front of gene... or something along those lines they dated for like four years... so to cut the fucking story... he's been talking to this girl behind my back.... and still trying to ask me to move in with him... hahaha he's a fucking douche bag!!!!!!!! fuck him.... I seriously fucking hate him.... so I called him when I got home... and told him to come over and I told him everything I never said... I told him it was his fucking fault... I told him he had no balls... I told him he's an ungrateful asshole and I'm done.... thats it... this is how he wanted it... he wanted me to be the one to end it... and so now its done... so fuck him... I want to fuck him over so bad... I want to hurt him... I want to burn all his shit.... I told him how he's been the biggest waste of time of my life... I said it all... and here I feel empty... I want to feel something else anything else.. I feel like such a fucking idiot... but fuck it I'm done

so yeah... I need to get laid by a perfect stranger!

<3
ruby

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(no subject) [Jun. 24th, 2007|10:53 pm]
call... me ....Ineffable

theres a shadow cast over us
the words that signal an end
and its an end that just doesn't end
so please hold  the time
make it stop for a minute so 
we don't have to say it
crank the hands backward and we'll be fine
I'll hold your hand  
and you hold mine
we'll stop this clock so we never say

good bye...

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your eyes must do some raining if you're ever gonna grow.... [Jun. 24th, 2007|10:35 pm]
call... me ....Ineffable
[Current Music |bright eyes- lua]

sometimes I wonder about existance... like what the fuck are we... why do we really do what we do? would we do it under different circumstances???  I'm a mess... concealed under a flawless face of paint... well since my last post.... ummm... the second guy I met at the bar yeah his name is Chris... yeah we had been talking.... I really kinda digg him...  we have a lot in common... and I love the way he says "Car"... haha... but gene... he confuses me and now I can't ask for him not to... cause he's hurting... cause his mommy went to heaven.... its so sad... I don't know how he's functioning... he's been very close to me these past few days... I'm trying to be supportive... but I can't forget the fact that he left me even when i begged him not to go... and I know its more than just me... but I've been waiting for my time to come for too long... but I'm here still.... letting him vent letting him cry... letting him come home to me so I can hold him... cause thats what  a good loving person does... I've been biting my tounge... holding back my anger and frustrations with him cause I know he's hurting... and I know he's confused.... I go on though... I love him... he's my first real love... he's the first guy to make me feel like I may choke and die without... but I've tasted freedom and its nice... well the attention is... I dunno... bleh... tomorrow is gene's mom funeral... I'm really sad.... I didn't know her too well but the last time I seen her.... she gave me a big hug and a huge smile... it warmed my soul... gene is so much like her... as far as gene goes.... he was close to her... not in the sense that they talked a lot because neither talks but their spirits are the same... I feel so fucked up inside... I'm kinda scared about tomorrow... I hate funerals... they're good byes..... I hate goodbyes... they hurt....

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life is a rollercoaster that just won't let me off [Jun. 3rd, 2007|09:47 pm]
call... me ....Ineffable
[Current Mood |confusedconfused]
[Current Music |Jay- Z]

so my last post was how life was so great.... well now... its not.... he's leaving... and I'm still here... ah... i think I'm okay now...  if you would have asked me a week and a half ago... I would have said I was going to die... I adore him...  but he needs to be away from me... I'm crazy.. I know I am... I've been crazy for a long time... I'm an emotional rollercoaster... so you may ask... what happend?? well I was working a lot... and he seemed very distant... so on my day off I kinda yelled at him... and it ended in him saying well maybe you should put the notice in that we're leaving the apartment.... yeah and me crying... so I left to my moms and he went to work... he came home... and tells me that he doesn't know if he loves me... he needs to get away from me... to know if he really wants to be with me or not.... well... I've been depressed... and amy's been super supportive... he's still here at the apartment but he's been slowly taking his stuff... and thought I'm not as sad as I was I guess I'm still wishing he would stay... but he's leaving... and as of late its felt as if he really doesn't want to go... I'm letting him go... cause I don't wanna hurt anymore... I can't say that I've fully let go... cause he's still the one I'm dying to talk to.... and he's the one I dying to hold... but he needs time and space... I know that I'm an idiot for fucking him... but I need him he's like a drug.... but as for everything else... he's gone... I've met two guys.. I don't really like either one... but they occupy some time so I can stop thinking about him so much.... but at the same time I feel guilty.... for not fully waiting for him.... like I want to wait for  him but I feel if I do and he doesn't come back it will be like feeling the pain twice.... so I'll let these guys occupy some space in my mind so I don't cry.... so  thats whats going on... it feels as soon as I'm sure of something... the world is like "fuck you ruby... thats not how it  is ... youre fuckin wrong".... because I felt so sure of us this time... I felt as if this was it... I was fucking done... done with all the bullshit and all the drama... we were good... I know I'm crazy... I just thought he could love me past that... but I guess its too much to deal with... ya know... so here I go again on my own... waiting for him... waiting for a perfect world where we grow old together... so now... I'm here.. I'm done being a slut though... I'm done making out with guys to ease the pain... so I'm gonna meet people and thats where it will end... and I guess I'm gonna just wait... but eventually... everything will be okay... I know...but not really... I'm making no sense... yeah... I'm a mess... haha I'll be okay guys... don't trip.... I'm just a mess
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Life is good! [May. 9th, 2007|10:05 pm]
call... me ....Ineffable
[Current Mood |lovedloved]
[Current Music |bright eyes]

my life is good with a few minor exceptions.... I'm kinda poor... which sucks.. but its getting better... my car is kinda dying but it still runs... so that okay... but my loves are perfect... I love geno dominguez so fucking much.... we've had our issuses in the past but now... I'm so sure this is meant to be... we help eachother... the sex is amazing... haha.. I LOVE sex with gene... haha... he loves me I love him... we are perfect... I love him so much sometimes I think I will go mad... he's beautiful... and he makes me so happy... and He love malakai... and theyre so beautiful together.... they play and sometimes... it makes me want to cry... cause theyre just so gosh darn beautiful... I love when malakai picks up random objects and says daddy like he's talking on the fone with him... I couldn't have asked for more... I have a beautiful healthy child... and a man who loves me...  I have everything I need! and although I'm a psycho mess he still loves me and understands... I'm so glad that I met him... he's like no other guy in this world...not because he's flawless... but because I love him more than any guy I've met... from the first time I saw him I loved him... I was just drawn to him... he makes me feel like no one else has ever made me feel... to think I met him 3 months after a horrible relationship... and I wasn't ready to let anyone in.... and there he was... he's the love of my life...he's my lover... he's my friend.... he's gene... I fucking love him
I LOVE MALAKAI AND GENO DOMINGUEZ!!!!!!

leave me comments guys.... tell me how you guys are doing

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so i'm still very much fucked up... but i'm dealing.... [Apr. 8th, 2006|03:40 am]
call... me ....Ineffable
well... whats wrong with me? well basically everything that has been wrong with me since the begining of time.... ha.. i exagerate... gene... well since about a week and a half before the baby was born he's been here... after the baby was born he's been staying with me.... i don't know what we are.... we fuck... he holds me... i love him... i have no idea what he feels for me.... its retarded.... and its like that part of portions for foxes... "i know i'm alone if i'm with or without you but just being around offers me another form of relief"... in all honesty i would rather just have him like that than not have him at all... i know i sell myself short but fuck it... i don't want anyone else... and if i can't hold him i feel as if i will asphyxiate... the other day during sex... i told him that if he knocked me up again he would marry me! and his response was "way to kill the mood"... we continued on... but i was thinking... yeah thinking durring sex... fuck i'm only good enough to fuck.... and i started crying... lame i fucking know... who the fuck does that? and so we stopped and he tried to hold me and i just got up and dressed and i told him how i felt... i'm so stupid.... i told him i couldn't fuck him anymore cause it hurt too much.... i told him that i'm tired of just being good enough to fuck and i told him i was tired of being jealous... and he told me to stop crying... and to go to sleep... and for the next two days after that i was fucking miserable... it hurt to breathe... it hurt to think.... it just hurt to exist... and it hurts so much more cause i see him every second i look into my son's eyes... but a few days ago i was fucking him again... and somehow it makes me feel so much better... just being able to touch him... i know its fuckin pathetic... but fuck it... it works... atleast for right now... last night he held me... we didn't fuck... he just held me and let dashboard on the computer so i could go to sleep... its when he does things like this that make me feel like he feels something deeper for me than he leads on... we talked last night about little things i remember.... good things.... i think he thought that i was just into him cause i got knocked up by him.... i think me telling him things that i remembered from before made him see my love for him isn't because i got pregnant.... i've adored him since i laid eyes on him... i think i will adore him till the day i fucking die...

my son... oh... my goodness... seriously... he's the only fucking reason i haven't killed myself... i can't imagine my world without him... my world revolves around him... its fucking pyschotic... i love him so....

hopefully i should start beauty school in august....

love you alll
ruby
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ender will save us all [Apr. 6th, 2006|03:36 am]
call... me ....Ineffable
photos!!!!
yeah i'm a fucking proud parent!



oh i look soooooooooooo fuckin hot!!!!!!! haha
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gene and malakai
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he's gangsta ya'll
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this one is my favorite...
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a life was formed.... yup my son was born [Apr. 6th, 2006|12:32 am]
call... me ....Ineffable
he was born march 15.... he's fucking awesome.... i love him more than i ever thought i could possibly love anyone ever.... he is truely my everything... i will post a few pics soon.... michelle i miss you my love.... hopefully i'll see you soon... maybe next month i can go see you...
<3
ruby
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you're mexican? geno never said you were mexican.... [Feb. 22nd, 2006|07:26 pm]
call... me ....Ineffable
[Current Music |the cure- pictures of you]

well the last month... ummm... I finally told geno I loved him about a week ago... ummm... he got freaked out... but whatever I couldn't keep it to myself a second longer.... I think it freaked him out cause it forced him to deal with both of our emotions... I can't let him go... I adore him... I need him... I know I say it every entry... but I fucking love him... I went to the shop today to watch my buddy xavier get tattooed... at first it was like everyone knew who I was but just didnt want to say anything... gene was sick and was kinda pretending I wasn't there... then I went into the room where he was at and talked to him and shit... then everyone started acting different... Chon was doing xavier's tattoo and then my mom called and I answered in spanish... and he was like you know spanish? geno never told me you were mexican... which totally caught me off gaurd... 1 because I didn't think he'd mention me and gene like gene should mention me... and 2 because what the fuck? I think I look mexican... hahaha... yeah... I'm retarded... later while x was still getting tatted... chon was like why you getting geno sick? and I was like that wasn't me... that was one of his other hoes... it was nice of him to make it seem like I'm his girl... but I have a feeling I'm not the only one... or I wasn't and I suppose I'm a bit bitter about it... fuck I hate being jealous....

fucked up shit...

so dora and I finally got our own place... we moved in the fourth of feb. it soooooooooooooo nice.... even though I really don't have shit... just having my own place is fucking awesome....

the bad stuff... well all my fucking cds were stolen from my car.... so if you pitty me at all you can burn me some and send em to me.... haha... I got a ticket.... I'm broke as fuck....

I should be popping in a month or less... so yeah...

I think thats all....
<3
ruby
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