we called it quits... it over... we talked and we're friends... I think I'm fine... I miss him already... but the pain will slowly fade... and after all we'll both be okay... he's not the one... the one is a myth... you make love it breaks you... and the cycle repeats... in the words of shakira "siempre volvemos amar".... and perhaps in the next life time we'll learn to love eachother... and perhaps God will give us another chance to make it right... but as for this life... we're over... and we're friends.... but I miss him... I miss him dearly... hopefully tomorrow I don't crack... I don't know where to go from here... I don't know whats next... so today daniel had called me so I called him back and he asked me why I had never given him a chance... why I chose gene over him... and I told him because he never asked... and I told him that I always cared for him but its not use worrying about that... cause everything is said and done... he's with joanne... wow... I feel relieved... but stuck... this is odd.. I'm tired but I don't think i can sleep... It all feels so sureal... I waiting for this odd dream to end... fuck... I'm feeling odd.... I can't describe it... I love him... but its over... and I can't tell if I'm okay yet... I'll let you know when I wake up.... so where do I go from here???
<3
ruby

I fuckin done... he's not the one... theres no such thing.... he's shit to me... I'm shit to him... I'm fucking  done... he's hurt me enough.... so you may ask what did he do this time??? well it wasn't just this time...this time is simply jenga! he pulled too many pieces out from under me and I came crashing down.... I know he never loved me... I know he never reallly wanted me... so I suppose I'm partly to blame for not ending it myself....  so two days ago gene asked me to move in with him and his dad.... okay... but we're not together so I told him no... if we're not together we're not living together... fine.... so then yesterday I get the shop and its friday and I normally go out on fridays... so I asked him if he would watch malakai... and he said I didn't know I was supposed to... I'm doing something tonight... I asked what... and he avoided the question... he proceeds to be an asshole and start talking shit about how I've been at the shop 10 minuts and I haven't payed any attention to malakai... fine so before I leave I tell him to call me when he's done tattooing... I go home then go drop malakai off at my moms and I called him when I was getting ready cause I noticed he had called while I was gone.... so he like you getting ready? and I was like yeah... I asked where he was going and he said no where... whatever.. I go out... I feel like shit!!!  so then chris gets there and he's like you know that guy geno.... and I was like my son's father? and he was like yeah... and he tells me how his friend carmen was talking to him trying to come to the bar and how he ddin't come cause I did.... well carmen.... she's the girl that supposedly fucked gene up more than any other girl... she didnt' even break up with him she was just at some bar with some guy right in front of gene... or something along those lines they dated for like four years... so to cut the fucking story... he's been talking to this girl behind my back.... and still trying to ask me to move in with him... hahaha he's a fucking douche bag!!!!!!!! fuck him.... I seriously fucking hate him.... so I called him when I got home... and told him to come over and I told him everything I never said... I told him it was his fucking fault... I told him he had no balls... I told him he's an ungrateful asshole and I'm done.... thats it... this is how he wanted it... he wanted me to be the one to end it... and so now its done... so fuck him... I want to fuck him over so bad... I want to hurt him... I want to burn all his shit.... I told him how he's been the biggest waste of time of my life... I said it all... and here I feel empty... I want to feel something else anything else.. I feel like such a fucking idiot... but fuck it I'm done

so yeah... I need to get laid by a perfect stranger!

<3
ruby

theres a shadow cast over us
the words that signal an end
and its an end that just doesn't end
so please hold  the time
make it stop for a minute so 
we don't have to say it
crank the hands backward and we'll be fine
I'll hold your hand  
and you hold mine
we'll stop this clock so we never say

good bye...

sometimes I wonder about existance... like what the fuck are we... why do we really do what we do? would we do it under different circumstances???  I'm a mess... concealed under a flawless face of paint... well since my last post.... ummm... the second guy I met at the bar yeah his name is Chris... yeah we had been talking.... I really kinda digg him...  we have a lot in common... and I love the way he says "Car"... haha... but gene... he confuses me and now I can't ask for him not to... cause he's hurting... cause his mommy went to heaven.... its so sad... I don't know how he's functioning... he's been very close to me these past few days... I'm trying to be supportive... but I can't forget the fact that he left me even when i begged him not to go... and I know its more than just me... but I've been waiting for my time to come for too long... but I'm here still.... letting him vent letting him cry... letting him come home to me so I can hold him... cause thats what  a good loving person does... I've been biting my tounge... holding back my anger and frustrations with him cause I know he's hurting... and I know he's confused.... I go on though... I love him... he's my first real love... he's the first guy to make me feel like I may choke and die without... but I've tasted freedom and its nice... well the attention is... I dunno... bleh... tomorrow is gene's mom funeral... I'm really sad.... I didn't know her too well but the last time I seen her.... she gave me a big hug and a huge smile... it warmed my soul... gene is so much like her... as far as gene goes.... he was close to her... not in the sense that they talked a lot because neither talks but their spirits are the same... I feel so fucked up inside... I'm kinda scared about tomorrow... I hate funerals... they're good byes..... I hate goodbyes... they hurt....

[	Current Mood	|	loved	]
[	Current Music	|	bright eyes	]

my life is good with a few minor exceptions.... I'm kinda poor... which sucks.. but its getting better... my car is kinda dying but it still runs... so that okay... but my loves are perfect... I love geno dominguez so fucking much.... we've had our issuses in the past but now... I'm so sure this is meant to be... we help eachother... the sex is amazing... haha.. I LOVE sex with gene... haha... he loves me I love him... we are perfect... I love him so much sometimes I think I will go mad... he's beautiful... and he makes me so happy... and He love malakai... and theyre so beautiful together.... they play and sometimes... it makes me want to cry... cause theyre just so gosh darn beautiful... I love when malakai picks up random objects and says daddy like he's talking on the fone with him... I couldn't have asked for more... I have a beautiful healthy child... and a man who loves me...  I have everything I need! and although I'm a psycho mess he still loves me and understands... I'm so glad that I met him... he's like no other guy in this world...not because he's flawless... but because I love him more than any guy I've met... from the first time I saw him I loved him... I was just drawn to him... he makes me feel like no one else has ever made me feel... to think I met him 3 months after a horrible relationship... and I wasn't ready to let anyone in.... and there he was... he's the love of my life...he's my lover... he's my friend.... he's gene... I fucking love him
I LOVE MALAKAI AND GENO DOMINGUEZ!!!!!!

leave me comments guys.... tell me how you guys are doing